Kaz S. Matamura

It’s all about how much you can give, not how much you can get.
The more you give, the more you have.

That is the biggest bull that my Buddhist culture engraved into me. We were taught that we are just travelers, and this life is just a merely a lodge that we stay temporary (yes, fuzzy metaphor again!!!). All we know is we are born naked and die naked. We don’t have a point system to get a ticket to heaven. Buddhists dare to make up what happens after we die. So it is all about now – how generous can you be in this limited life.

As a child, I already had hardest time to receive, so for me to TAKE was a very difficult task. Then, I thought, how about if I changed it to “give and receive”? And I convinced myself that if I am not receiving what’s offered to me, I am killing the Karma flow. Learning to accept was the first step, before I learned to TAKE IT!!!

In Japan, people appreciate nice things that you do to them, and they will try to pay you back in someway, but NOT here in the States. Especially, in show biz. I’m surrounded by low self-esteem impotents who need to hear applause and ask a total stranger what he thought of his performance. They don’t ask for opinion they seek for praise.

There have been many people who helped me along the way, and of course, in return, a little Japanese me tried to help back the others who needed a leg up. But often when I gave a leg up, they either stepped on my head and kept going, OR demanded another leg up. And if I cannot give them what they want, they became bitter.

I believed that the success meant that you cease to “expect”. Success was a state of mind – the wholeness with yourself. When you are successful, you are capable of making decision based on your preference, not based on your needs. So, I consider myself pretty successful, being able to lead my bohemien life in this strange country. But lately, it’s been quite frustrating, maybe it’s my mid-life crisis. I have always been anti-idiots, and idiots always bring out the violence in me. I came to the conclusion what is my source of frustration. More than morons, it’s the ungrateful bastards.

We are– the war-is -not-real generation. We are spoiled rotten and we never had to shave ice to keep the meat cold – We have a fridge. We just need to turn the nozzle to get hot water, and the microwave took the sense of planning ahead. Everything was there and it was just given to us, sometimes without asking for it. So, what’s-in- it- for- me attitude was cultivated in us from the moment we open the fridge to get a TV dinner.

Japanese are known for their even tempered (of course, there are always exception) and it’s not that they are controlling their emotion or not have one, but we are trained not to expect anything. Sure, we hope and plan for the best, but when you don’t get it, instead of getting mad, we move on . We say “Forget about it” or simple “let go. Let it be a past,” instead of “What’s wrong with that mother fucker?”

But I’m holding a grudge. Maybe it’s my Tennessee Williams drama queeness, but I don’t let go of stuff. If you keep on “forget about it,” you won’t learn anything from trusting some bastards. Quite simply, I am tired of being a short stick collector.

This is what I advice to my fellow SSC.

• Be nice to the people who are nice to you. Give them one chance.
• Make sure your good will is not wasted on some dried up well of needs
• Bad thing happens? Take it personally. Life is all about you.
• If you are a giver, you cannot help but to give. But remember, the only things that jerks deserve to get is Hell. You can be a Christian when you need to be.

 However I must admit the oddest thing. I don’t know how I have been thriving, as a professional and as a director of a small non-profit organization. We give free classes, donate the theatre space, volunteer and perform for other organizations’ fundraisers, finance other artists to launch their projects. After 11 years, I am still here. Maybe because we don’t expect anything in return and we keep focusing on “doing.” And as long as we are capable of doing what we can do, that itself is a gift. Maybe what other people take from you doesn’t matter. It’s all about what you can do for yourself, not what you can keep. It’s a crucial time we live in. We, as an individuals must focus on what we can do for ourselves, not what others can do for us. Time has changed. It is time to take responsibility for your own life and give yourself a chance to be the best you can be. We have to maximize your limited time on this earth. Everything is running out now.