Kaz S. Matamura

I was sitting at a bar in Midtown, New York City, enjoying a conversation with a beautiful, intelligent, Jewish friend of mine, Chaya. We only see each other once a year and when girls are on TALK mode, you shouldn’t disturb them.

BUT across the counter, there sat a middle age white man staring at me with eyes that said, “Hi. How are you doing?”

Trying to pick out just one chick from a bunch of hens is never a good idea. It makes that one chick very uncomfortable.

But, instead of ignoring it and keeping the obvious oblivious to Chaya, I proposed a new subject: “What’s wrong with these white men who drool over oriental women?”

She admitted that New York City is rife with white men and Asian women couples compared to other interracial couples. Maybe that’s why they say these men have “Yellow Fever”.

So why do so many men have “Yellow Fever”?

To start with, men are lazy. They want to get the most from the least amount of work. An oriental women, they believe, will be a lover, maid and mommy all wrapped into one.

Many oriental women try to jump the hurdles of high expectations that white men put on them. But since most of us don’t have long legs to jump such high hurdles I have decided to destroy those damn myths.

Myth #1: “Asian women are domestic and meek”
Wrong. The only time we cook is when we cannot get good ethnic food anywhere else, things like fermented bean bread, virgin whale’s lip satay or fish testicle soup.

I am a great cook – but I don’t cook like Rachel Ray, Martha Stewart or that Italian countess chick with the big tits. I cook like Chef Emeril on TV. BAM! I just throw fish eyeballs into a flaming wok. My cooking is dangerous and exciting, and my food never tastes the same way twice.

And I leave all the dirty dishes behind. I cook you clean.

I also don’t walk behind men – for three reasons. First, if any man walks front of me I cannot see. I have to attach brake lights to my man’s ass. Second, I walk too fast and if any man walks slowly in front of me, it makes me want to tackle the bastard. Third, I have ADD. If something catches my attention, I’m gone. I need a man who waits for me while I wander off.

I also hate when oriental women hide their mouths when they giggle.  Men may think it’s cute. Our traditional diet doesn’t have much calcium. So, when they laugh, they are just hiding their hideous, uneven, cracked teeth.

Myth #2: “Asian women are peaceful”
Not true. We oriental women just accept men as they are and realize that there’s nothing you can do about stupidity. If the pie is done cooking, we don’t see the point in discussing the recipe to find out where it went wrong. I choose to argue; because I am optimistic – I believe even a moron should be given a chance to change.

Also, men think oriental women listen to them more because we look at them when they are talking. If you’ve ever tried to learn another language, you know why. It’s hard to listen to a new language only with ears. When you don’t understand English well, you just nod and smile while they are talking.

Myth #3: “They are so respectful”
Another secret is that we don’t bow in our countries. That’s something we do for Americans because we are afraid of them hugging us. We are really avoiding the meat eaters’ b. o. Whenever a meat eater approaches us to give us hug, we are really ducking – “Hey, it’s a white man – duck!”
But the Japanese are, in fact, the ones who are responsible for these myths. It’s part of our secret plan to promote the idealization of our culture.

After World War II, we knew one thing – Cultural invasion must come before commerce invasion.

In the 1950’s – we had Godzilla, warning America that your nuclear bombs created some unknown angry monster within in us all.

In the 60’s – we had cartoons like “Speed Racer”. Even though we were sending cheap “Made in Japan” stuff to the United States, we were subliminally telling the children, “Japanese is cool” to prepare them for Japanese cars and the fancy way of life capable with Japanese electronics.

In the 70’s – as we promised with “Speed Racer” we had our cars ready for Americans, JUST in time for the energy crisis.

In the 80’s – TV series like “Shogun” promoted Sushi. The Japanese were now invading the insatiable palates of the Americans. In Japan, we only eat sushi once or twice a year, for special occasions, but here, Americans want too much of a good thing. We are making Americans fat by telling them, “Rice is good.”

The 90s were good time, Japanese restaurants on every corner, and lots Japanese cars on the freeways. On TV, we had our own version of Jackie Chen – a cute little YELLOW creature that ruled the world, shooting radiation at the American child’s minds. They called him PikaChu.. He was a Pokemon.

Now, can you see the results of our invasion in the New Millennium? Do you think we lost the cultural invasion to the “Made in Chineseness”? Go to Hollywood and Highland and you will see a true sign of the Rising Sun – camera phones. Kids and adults taking pictures of anything and everything – the Mann’s Chinese Theatre, The Stars on the Walk of Fame, the guy in the Shrek costume – our biggest triumph yet – we turned you all into…photographers.

Even though, I complain about the idealization of Oriental women and culture, we are equally responsible for idealizing American culture in our own countries.

When the war was over, American G.I.s gave away Hershey’s bars to Japanese kids whose first words in English were, “Give me Chocolate”. The MGM musicals, made us think of Americans as jolly fellows, but who also stand strong for justice, like John Wayne, Jimmy Stewart and Gregory Peck.

“Made in the USA” was a good thing. Levis’ jeans were not only for men, but also for women. To us, America was cool.

But when I moved here, there was no John Wayne. I have never seen so many men “bitching” till I moved to this country. In fact, instead of calling it “bitching” let’s call it “bastarding”. Let’s face it, if you are born or living in this country, you are the fortunate ones.

Complaining is fine, as long as you do something about it. Mark Twain and Ambrose Bierce made their careers out of it. We were taught Americans were ACTION TAKERS, not schemers. They took full responsibility for their actions, not blaming others for making them to do certain things. They were the proactive ones.

We live in the strange confusing time. There is too much information out there while our me-topia in Lego land, full of useless toys, is getting smaller.

We buy fictitious ideology, and seek pseudo spirituality.

The secret of that movie “The Secret” is it’s just a part of promoting success-oriented material happiness. To ask for something and have it given to you is not spiritual. Happiness is not wanting anything, and when something is given, it is a pure unexpected surprise that you accept graciously.

So, be careful what you wish for. If you want a relationship with an Oriental woman don’t have high expectations. She may trick you into liking fish testicle soup.

PS. If you think calling someone from the Orient an Oriental is bad. Please come talk to me.